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Hey everyone,

In order to see my reviews from now on, please go to www.robschiffmann.com and check out movie reviews!! I will no longer be posting here.

Thanks,

Rob

Rescue Dawn -- Thursday 7/12/07

Okay everyone. I love to be negative. I love to hate on the movies. I just...I just can't do it this week. I loved this movie. It was, to quote a famous tiger, "GRRRRRRRRREAT!!!". Directed by Werner Herzog, who should never ever again do voice overs (see Grizzly Man), this movie tells the story of several POWs during the Vietnam War. Christian Bale plays the main character whose plane is shot down over enemy territory. Steve Zahn plays one of the POWs he meets and spends many long and dreary days with.

Normally, I dig Christian Bale. I thought he was great in Batman Returns and I thought that in "American Psycho" he was KILLER!! Get it? Killer? Get it? Killer, like he kills and the movie..it's called...okay. never mind. In this movie I thought he was good but sometimes he seems a little plastic and like a bizarre superhero. Kind of like the Clark Kent in the recent remake of the remake or the remake of Superman. I am not sure he is a great actor but he sure acts like one. Steve Zahn, on the other hand, has always kind of seemed like a fun stoner to me. In this one, I finally get it. He's great. Really great. There is a real emotional depth to his performance. Yay Steve Zahn.

The story is the best part of this movie. At one point, I actually found myself sitting on the edge of my seat. It is gripping and moving and just awesome. Also, it is a true story. Supposedly there is a documentary about the main character, also directed by Werner Herzog. Put it on your cue.

The only crap part is the end. It is a little cheezy and typical. I wish I could say more negative stuff but I got nothin'. It's a great movie.

So, just to be negative, I will say some angry stuff. George Bush is an A-HOLE! The weather is crap. Angelina Jolie is an anti-Semite. Why am I never on Cash Cab?

I give this movie 5, count 'em 5 Robbies!!

Sicko -- June 29th, 2007

Well, I saw it. Sicko. Wow, it was amazing. It is now Monday, the 2nd of July. I saw the movie on Friday, June 29th. I have not written my review until now because I have been too busy trying to figure out what other country to move to.

Michael Moore is a tough nut. Yes he is "Molto Irritato". No, I would not want him anywhere near my social circle. However, I am VERY glad there is a Michael Moore. I have seen everyone of his movies. I even saw the one about Nike, which was a little lame. I even saw it in the theaters. I know...very impressive / depressing. I think he is an excellent filmmaker, if somewhat repetitive in his style. He is more of a brand than a director. However, I am not sure that's a bad thing. He gets people out to the theaters to see documentaries. So, more power to him.

Sicko basically tells us that the US health care system is F'd. It is true that everyone who has health insurance in the US already knows this. That fact does not make this movie any less poignant. The examples that Michael Moore has to prove that thesis statement are amazing and sometimes, difficult to believe. I'm sure that the right wing will say that he makes things up and that he is biased. He doesn't make things up. Come on, people. This dude is a hard-core fact-checker!! Yes, he is biased in the sense that he has very strong opinions. I'm not sure what's wrong with that. Isn't that kinda the point of the whole liberty and freedom of expression thing? I have opinions and too I want to express them. Here's one. Chicken McNuggets are yummy. Here's another. Paris Hilton's mug shot says it all. Here's another. Michael Moore should not wear baseball caps everywhere he goes.

Now, I don't really care that he stood on a soapbox on the Oscars. Who cares? Do we really hold that night so precious that we must not expand it's meaning? I know he's a bit of a pain in the ass. I am just glad that all the asses out there are experiencing some pain and I am glad that Michael "looks a little like the creature that comes out of the stomach in Total Recall" Moore is delivering the blows.

Thanks Mikey. You get 5 out of a possible 5 Robbies.

A Mighty Heart -- June 22nd, 2007

Last night I went to see “A Mighty Heart”. This movie tells the story or Daniel and Marianne Pearl. Daniel Pearl was a reporter for The Wall Street Journal who was kidnapped in Pakistan by people who had ties to Al Qaeda. The movie focuses on the efforts to find him and the emotional toll it takes on his wife, Marianne, played by Angelina Jolie. Overall this was an EXCELLENT film; well acted / directed and a very gripping story from beginning to end.

But why focus on the good stuff?

I am tired of Angelina Jolie. I know that everyone is gonna see this movie and rave about her amazing performance and, truth be told, this is the best work I have ever seen her do. But really...c'mon. She's just a total hotty who can kind of act so when she does a movie like this and basically lives up to the storyline, we applaud her abilities and say, "see...she is more than just a pretty face!!" The reality is that she is kind of a crappy actress. Her emotional range is similar to that of a coma patient. Yes, she does have a powerful screaming / crying scene but then, a movie-minute later, she is smiling and laughing with her friends. I am so tired of this chick. I would like her to just be pretty and adopt children. Also, I would like her to take an improv class and see if she can access some sort of sense of humor. In "Mr. & Mrs. Smith", with her hubby, Brad Pitt, she was completely unable to make fun of herself and be goofy. Brad Pitt was not afraid to be a total dork. That's why we love him. He's a hotty and a nerd and cool and fun. He rocks. She sucks. Also, we know she's pretty. We understand that. Can she maybe be a little bit not pretty sometimes? Apparently the answer to that, according to "A Mighty Heart", is no. She can't stop being hot. Go away and be ugly somewhere, Angelina Jolie and if you are going to play a pregnant woman, don't make the pregnancy appear to do nothing to your figure. AngeLAME-a NOlie. YEAH!!! HA HA!! Gotcha!!

The supporting actors were all very good. There was the father from "The Namesake". He was good. There was another dude that looked really familiar. He was good too. The guy who played Daniel Pearl was Dan Futterman, who played the son in "The Birdcage" and wrote the screenplay for "Capote". He is multi-talented. We like him. His mother, Mrs. Futterman, is very proud of him and his ability to rise above his difficult years growing up when all the big kids would call him 'Danny-Fanny Butterpants'. Anyway, in this one he was good and pretty low-key.

I saw this movie in Miami. The movie theater experience was nice. Big seats, stadium seating, not too crowded. However, apparently the seats don't bend backwards in Miami. Strange. Anyway, I guess it made sense to see this movie here because like Angelina, everyone in the theater was better looking than me. Screw them. They are all anti-Semitic.

I give this movie 4 Robbies. The only reason it didn't get five was that Angelina, who truthfully was pretty good in this one, pissed me off (in case you hadn't noticed). If they remake this movie, or any movie for that matter, they should use Bjork instead.

Hostel 2...Hostel Boo -- June 15th, 2007

Here is an original idea for a movie. There are 3 girls / women(?) on a trip in Europe. Two of them are totally hot and the other one is movie unattractive....let's call her 'hugly' (hot/ugly). They are engaging in all kinds of debauchery (a no-no in horror movies). Then, due to their willingness to pursue the sexual advances of non-puritan people, they get into some hot water....literally and figuratively. Some of it leads to death, some to torture, some to revenge. Blah blah blah. Give me a break.

The Hugly chick is played by the one who was in "Welcome to the Dollhouse". Now she is grown up and wonky but she has that model body that all 'hugly' chicks have. Then there are the two other hotties. One is a promiscuous vixen. Guess what happens to her. The other is hot but sensible. Guess what happens to her. Without hearing your guesses, I can tell you that you are correct.

Oh yeah, also...want to find out how creepy Eastern Bloc people can be? See this movie.

When the first Hostel movie came out, they advertised it by highlighting that it was directed by Eli Roth. I remember sitting in the theater, watching the preview and thinking, "Eli Roth...Sounds Familiar...Sounds Jewish...Must be famous". Here's the thing. No one, other than Quentin Tarrantino, knows who Eli Roth is and he is not famous. It just SOUNDS like he's a famous jewish film maker. He's not. He's a douche bag. Don't be fooled. Here are the movies that Eli Roth has directed....Hostel, Hostel 2, The Rotten Fruit and Cabin Fever. Maybe I am being oversensitive here but I think that they are using the jewish sound of his name to make it seem as though there must be depth to this film. Anti-semitic? Maybe. Maybe I am crazy.

Anyway, there are a lot of nasty deaths and lots of people's naughty parts...sometimes attached, sometimes not. It's dumb, lame and predictable. It's my fault though because I made the decision to see it. I don't know why. Also, there was a jerk in the theater who got mad at me when I coughed several times because I had a piece of popcorn caught in my throat. He is also anti-semitic.

I give this movie 2 out of a possible 5 Robbies. And it only gets 2 instead of 1 because there is a character named Paxton, which makes me laugh.

Eli Roth...you suck.

Un-Shalom.

Mr. Brooks -- June 1st, 2007

Today I went to see "Mr. Brooks", starring Kevin Costner, William Hurt and some dude who looked familiar. It was pretty good, although I am not quite sure how. The basic story is that there is a big, popular business man, played by Mr. Costner. He's also a serial killer. He is trying to retire from the serial killer business but his little schizophrenia-induced friend, played by William Hurt, a la Paul Bettany in "A Beautiful Mind", keeps insisting that he just go for it and keep killing. Lots of other crap happens...strange going-ons with Kevin Costner's daughter (played by some nameless hotty), an admirer / potential blackmailer, etc..

I think that the producers / studio execs thought it would be a money-maker to have Kevin Costner play someone who was unlikeable. If they make him into a killer, we will be so intrigued as audience members, we will just have to buy a ticket. Is Kevin Costner still so likeable that a reinvention will cause enough people to stir and go see this movie? I don't think so. Still, they must try but as so often happens with moves like this, the writers / people-in-charge make the evil charachter somewhat sympathetic. It's like Kevin Costner is out there saying, "Yeah! Make me evil!! Let's do it!! Just make sure I'm likeable evil or at least understandably evil. Like Michael Douglas in 'Falling Down'".

Lame. Just make him really evil and nasty. Then I will be excited to see the "Reinvention of the Wolves".

Meanwhile, William Hurt has turned into one of those actors who, in their later years, has fallen into the trap of constantly playing smug, two-dimensional characters. This film is no different. In fact, in this one, he is LITERALLY two-dimensional, as an apparition. I find this disappointing. I remember William Hurt from such amazing movies as "Children of a Lesser God" or "The Big Chill" or, of course "Kiss of the Spider Woman". Where did that dude go? Come back William Hurt!!

So, with all of this negativity, it is get back to my initial thought. This movie was, somehow, enjoyable. Kept me interested. Didn't fidget. It's a good story and pretty well acted, overall. Check it out.

Leave before the stupid-ass ending though.

Overall I give it 3, out of a possible 5, Robbies!!

Until Next Week!!